I'm calling a mulligan on behalf of the WWE. This blog contains a full rewrite of the 2008 Royal Rumble, as a continuation of sorts to my blog from a few days ago, "A Royal Rumble Review..."

Why? Mostly wishful thinking on my part; in previous years the WWE has been very good at utilizing the Royal Rumble like any other match... to tell stories. In the Royal Rumble's case, they're generally short stories that, presented as a whole become one of the most memorable matches of the year. Last Sunday's Rumble didn't have that due to major structural problems, rule changes and breaks from tradition. So I've rewritten the event to contain what I feel is more engaging content, and is a match that I would have fun watching.

Before going any further, please be aware that I've constrained myself to playing by WWE's rules, mostly meaning that John Cena still wins. You can't change destiny. I also required myself to use the same talent roster, with one exception: I replaced Chavo Guerrero with Brian Kendrick due to the complaints I (and many others) had about a World Champion competing in the Royal Rumble. There are other restrictions I imposed upon myself but for the sake of brevity I won't go into all the details at this point. The purpose was simply to prove to myself (and anyone reading) that I could do better than the WWE using their deck.

As you'll see, I've made it a point to highlight key encounters and the stories they tell, which are what are supposed to make matches like the Royal Rumble truly special, regardless of who wins. Stories are denoted [IN CAPS] with brackets surrounding them. Keep in mind that as you're watching WWE programming, these stories are served merely as undertones, so they're kept extremely simple so that we can all unconsciously identify with them. Larger stories are built into actual feuds that go on for weeks if not months.

That said, let's get things started with a retrospective.



~Monday Night Raw, January 21, 2008~



Brian Kendrick vs. Umaga
*QUALIFYING MATCH*

The match plays out basically as we all remember, with some small changes. Kendrick manages to hit a couple of awesome high-flying moves on Umaga, which enrages him. J.R. points out that Umaga was in that cage match with Jeff Hardy just one week ago, and perhaps that is why Umaga is becoming so enraged at these actions. Umaga wins the match in the end, but he won't stop beating up Kendrick. The referee is forced to reverse the decision in Brian Kendrick's favor, earning him a spot in the Royal Rumble.



~The Royal Rumble Match~



"Ladies and gentlemen...... ARE... YOU... READY? ARE...... YOU............. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREADY?"

"Now introducing the man who drew #1... from Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at 222 pounds... C... M..... Punnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk!"

? Entrant #1. CM Punk

As CM Punk makes his way to the ring, Joey Styles quickly recaps how CM Punk lost the ECW Championship just last Tuesday. Michael Cole jumps in to remind us that Punk now faces insurmountable odds if he wants an automatic rematch at Wrestlemania. Tazz notes that if Punk hadn't lost the belt in the first place, he wouldn't even be in this match. (Please note that it is assumed that Punk took the open slot left by Chavo Guerrero.)

"And now, here is the man who drew #2... weighing in at 348 pounds..... from the Isle of Samoa.... The Samoan Bullllllllllllldozerrrrrrrr, Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumaaaaaagaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

? Entrant #2. Umaga

(Note: Go on, try and tell me you wouldn't have loved to have heard Michael Buffer introduce Umaga.)

The commentators now express their condolences to CM Punk, who has to start the match with Umaga across the ring from him.

[INTERBRAND INTRO]

You pretty much have to have this in any modern Royal Rumble, as WWE did. That's not something I'd ever change.

[DAVID VS. GOLIATH]

I figure, rather than the ultimate contrivance that WWE committed by pitting Undertaker vs. HBK right from the start, we'll go with a classic story. The young up-and-coming CM Punk already has a huge task ahead of him, not even counting the other 28 men he has to survive if he's going to win this thing. Punk and Umaga do battle for awhile, with Punk doling out his share of the offense but still sustaining quite a beating. That is, until it's time for entrant #3...

? Entrant #3. Tommy Dreamer

[NATURAL BORN ALLIES]

Dreamer joins the fray and targets Umaga. Of course the Rumble is every man for himself, but Punk and Dreamer are both ECW babyfaces and have teamed before, so naturally the two would band together to ward off Umaga, who puts either man by himself at a disadvantage. Punk & Dreamer manage to wear down Umaga quite a bit, and attempt to put him over the top rope, but are unsuccessful at this time.

? Entrant #4. Batista

[IRONMAN]

In the 2008 Royal Rumble, Batista was the WWE's 'Ironman', lasting longer than any other participant. That's one of the constraints I placed upon myself - making sure that Batista hangs around the longest - fortunately it's an easy one to swallow. Batista enters the ring and takes down Punk & Dreamer simultaneously, and easily eliminates Tommy Dreamer from the match.

- Elimination #1. Tommy Dreamer (by Batista)

Umaga now turns his attention to Batista, which allows Punk to rest up a bit.

? Entrant #5. Carlito
? Entrant #6. Mr. Kennedy

Now, when I go and list entrants in a row like that, please don't assume that absolutely nothing is happening. There are always periods of downtime in the Rumble to allow the ring to fill up so it FEELS like a Rumble, and also so that someone can potentially go on a hot streak and empty the ring. In this case, I'm working towards letting the ring fill up a bit.

Following Carlito's entrance, he pairs off with (and takes advantage of a weakened) CM Punk while Batista and Umaga continue to do battle. Batista tries to move Umaga over the top rope, but Umaga fights back fiercely. CM Punk regains the upper hand on Carlito just as Mr. Kennedy joins the battle, and comes to the assistance of Carlito, putting Punk into a two-on-one situation. Umaga turns the tables on Batista at this point, sending him to the mat.

? Entrant #7. Brian Kendrick

[SETTLE THE SCORE?]

Enter Brian Kendrick, who has something of a score to settle with Umaga. He's noticeably hurting, but still filled with energy as he rushes right to try and take down Umaga. Idiot. Kendrick is quickly eliminated as Umaga returns his attention to Batista, who is ready to carry his side of the fight again.

- Elimination #2. Brian Kendrick (by Umaga)

? Entrant #8. Cody Rhodes

Young Cody Rhodes makes his way to the ring and gives some much-needed assistance to CM Punk, who by now has had to fight off multiple elimination attempts by Carlito and Kennedy, who are surprisingly working together quite well as a cohesive unit. Cody pairs off with Kennedy, causing enough of an interruption to allow CM Punk to gain the upper hand on Carlito, and eliminate him. Now the tables are turned as Punk and Rhodes tag-team Mr. Kennedy.

- Elimination #3. Carlito (by CM Punk)

? Entrant #9. The Undertaker

[JUNIOR/SENIOR]

The Royal Rumble is being broadcast live from Madison Square Garden this year, which means an exceptionally short entranceway, enabling The Undertaker to reach the ring with a reasonable amount of time left before the next entrant is set to join in. The Undertaker assists Batista with Umaga, creating an interesting, if brief dynamic with three large wrestlers and three average wrestlers competing side-by-side.

? Entrant #10. Elijah Burke

[FACE-OFF]

Burke makes his way to the ring but holds off on actually getting into the ring, as he watches The Undertaker and Batista work together to eliminate Umaga, and Rhodes and Punk eliminate Mr. Kennedy on the opposite side of the ring.

- Elimination #4. Umaga (by Batista & The Undertaker)
- Elimination #5. Mr. Kennedy (by Cody Rhodes and CM Punk)

There is a brief face-off of Undertaker/Punk and Batista/Rhodes, but Burke decides it's time to pick a side. He slides into the ring and immediately cheapshots Cody Rhodes. Batista laughs at this, and goes over to join that battle, while Punk tries his best to take on The Undertaker. Batista makes short work of Elijah Burke while Cody Rhodes recuperates.

- Elimination #6. Elijah Burke (by Batista)

? Entrant #11. Big Daddy V

The Undertaker dominates CM Punk and tries to eliminate him, but Punk fights back valiantly and refuses to go down. Big Daddy V enters the ring and takes down Batista and Cody Rhodes. He then sets his sights on The Undertaker, who he also manages to momentarily overwhelm. Returning his attention to Batista, he attempts to go for the elimination but Batista won't give up so easily. CM Punk takes advantage of the damage caused by BDV, or at least tries to, being unsuccessful in eliminating The Undertaker.

? Entrant #12. Hardcore Holly

[TWO OF A KIND]

And here comes Cody Rhodes' tag-team partner, Hardcore Holly! The Undertaker is on the mat, but a winded CM Punk decides he'd be better off working with Batista on Big Daddy V. Cody Rhodes syncs up with Holly as they plan to take on The Undertaker, who just got back to his feet. Rhodes makes the first move and strikes The Undertaker, who no sells the attack. Holly stands there with his arms at his waist, looking dumbfounded. Then he grabs Cody from behind and easily dumps him over the top rope. A shocked Cody Rhodes looks back at his partner in disbelief, but the look on Holly's face says it all: it's every man for himself. J.R. reminds the viewers at home of this fact, just in case there are any morons watching.

However, Hardcore Holly is penalized for taking his mind off his game, as he is suddenly tossed over the top rope by The Undertaker, landing next to Cody Rhodes. Cody begins to laugh, but Holly slaps the smirk off his face as the pair heads back to the locker room.

- Elimination #7. Cody Rhodes (by Hardcore Holly)
- Elimination #8. Hardcore Holly (by The Undertaker)

? Entrant #13. Mick Foley

[ROOKIE VS. LEGEND]

The Undertaker goes to work on Big Daddy V with Batista & Punk, but Foley pulls Punk out of that fray into their own. Punk and Foley trade blows, Foley tries to eliminate Punk but is unsuccessful. The Undertaker, Batista and Big Daddy V all take turns trying to eliminate each other, but no one is successful.

? Entrant #14. The Miz

[UNEASY ALLIANCE]

The Miz joins in and disrupts Foley, who has Punk on the ropes, somewhat literally. Foley takes on Miz and puts him to the mat easily, but before making too much headway Punk jumps Foley from behind. Together, Punk and Miz take on Foley. Meanwhile, BDV has taken command of the situation with Batista and The Undertaker. The Undertaker is down on one side of the ring, while BDV is working on getting Batista over the top rope on another side.

? Entrant #15. Shawn Michaels

[SHOWDOWN - TAKE TWO]

Batista is put over the top by Big Daddy V, but he manages to hold onto the bottom rope and guides himself to the ring apron. HBK enters the ring, and just as Big Daddy V turns around, he's clocked by unrehearsed Sweet Chin Music, sending him sailing over the top rope to the floor below. Shawn Michaels turns around with a smile on his face, only to lose it seconds later as he locks eyes with the Deadman, who just sat back up.

- Elimination #9. Big Daddy V (by Shawn Michaels)

Also during this time, CM Punk and The Miz set their sights on each other, and Foley intercedes, resulting in a three-way battle.

? Entrant #16. Santino Marella

Marella joins in the Rumble, and immediately goes for Mick Foley, while The Miz concentrates on CM Punk. Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker take turns trying to eliminate each other, neither being successful. Batista continues to rest from the beating BDV gave him.

? Entrant #17. Hornswoggle

[MIGHTY LITTLE MAN?]

Irish eyes are smiling, here comes the underdog to precede all underdogs, Hornswoggle! He heads down the entrance way with an impish grin on his face, but as he nears the ropes his expression turns to fear as he gets a better look at what's going on in the ring. Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker collide with each other, both of them getting knocked down in the process. Hornswoggle dives under the ring.

Jerry Lawler quips, "Well, so much for Hornswoggle!" as the others agree, until Hornswoggle suddenly re-emerges from under the ring... with Finlay's shillelagh. He climbs into the ring and hits The Miz in the knee with it, quickly followed by CM Punk. Foley sees this, and takes The Miz hostage, which Hornswoggle is all too happy to take advantage of. Miz goes down in pain, as Foley puts his hand out to Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle gives Foley a high-five. Foley drags The Miz parallel to the corner, and appears to be setting things up for a Tadpole Splash, when the buzzer goes off and out comes...

? Entrant #18. Snitsky

As Snitsky stomps his way to the ring, HBK performs a kick-up as the Undertaker sits up again. Hornswoggle thinks better of his current lot and quickly ducks underneath the bottom rope to hide under the ring once more. Without missing a beat, Foley tries to put The Miz over the top rope near the corner, but The Miz hangs on, resting on the ring apron. Meanwhile, CM Punk is back to his feet and mirrors Foley's actions, dumping Santino Marella over the top rope in the same corner as The Miz but on the opposite side of the turnbuckle. However, Marella too is able to hang on to the bottom rope and stays alive for the time being. Foley, seeing a more meaningful opportunity, returns his attention to a half-limping CM Punk.

On the other side of the ring, Snitsky involves himself with The Undertaker and HBK, who briefly work together to take Snitsky on. HBK can't resist cheapshotting The Undertaker, though, and all three wind up battling with no one superstar being especially dominant. Batista then gets involved, and now the four of them are fighting, Batista primarily with HBK and Snitsky primarily with The Undertaker.

The Miz and Santino Marella get back to their feet, with each one trying to make the other one fall off the apron. They each try to climb the turnbuckle for leverage.

? Entrant #19. Shelton Benjamin

[SHELTON BENJAMIN IS AWESOME]

Shelton Benjamin enters the ring quickly and heads straight to the far corner, and with a mighty leap ascends to the top turnbuckle, slamming the heads of The Miz and Santino Marella off the turnbuckle as he rises. Both recoil tremendously and fall to the floor. Shelton briefly admires his handiwork and then turns his attention to what's going on in the ring. He sees an opportunity and goes for a flying cross-body, only to be caught and powerslammed by Snitsky.

Meanwhile, Mick Foley finally gets the upper-hand on CM Punk, sending him over the top rope. Undertaker, Batista & Michaels are still trading attacks.

- Elimination #10. The Miz (by Shelton Benjamin)
- Elimination #11. Santino Marella (by Shelton Benjamin)
- Elimination #12. CM Punk (by Mick Foley)

? Entrant #20. Chuck Palumbo

Look out, it's the new bad boy of Smackdown, Chuck Palumbo! Ready to wreak havoc and cause some real damage, or something like that. Palumbo goes after Batista, while Snitsky continues to work over Shelton Benjamin. Foley, without anything better to do, goes after the Undertaker. Undertaker sets his sights primarily on Foley.

This is unfortunate for him, because not long after his attention is diverted by his old rival, Shawn Michaels sees his opportunity and tosses The Undertaker over the top rope.

Elimination #13. The Undertaker (by Shawn Michaels)

? Entrant #21. "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka

SUPA-SUPA-SUPAFLY. Jimmy Snuka makes an appearance, to the surprise of the crowd. Shelton Benjamin has Snitsky backed into a corner, and he and Snuka take turns delivering knife-edge chops to Snitsky. At the same time, Palumbo is now working on Foley, and Michaels on Batista.

? Entrant #22. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

[LEGENDARY FEUD REKINDLED]

(Note: If you recall my previous blog, this was one of the parts of the actual Rumble that I took to task for being too contrived. But, given that I restricted myself to using the same roster as the WWE (minus Chavo) and that neither Snuka or Piper were in good enough shape to really get involved in the Rumble proper, I had no choice to follow through with the same basic concept WWE employed. Sometimes you have to play with the hand you're dealt, you know? One minor change will be that the other competitors won't all STOP WHAT THEY'RE DOING just because of all the epicness.)

"Rowdy" Roddy Piper enters the arena to roaring cheers from the fans in attendance, already anticipating what's about to happen. Snuka diverts his attention from Snitsky and awaits his old rival.

Meanwhile, Snitsky regains the upper hand on Shelton Benjamin, and Batista takes down Michaels. Foley now tries to eliminate Palumbo, but fails in doing so.

Piper and Snuka trade blows for awhile as the crowd pops, but Batista sees an opportunity and seizes it, quickly knocking down both Snuka and Piper, then eliminating them both.

Elimination #14. "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka (by Batista)
Elimination #15. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (by Batista)

? Entrant #23. Finlay

[THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE]

Finlay's theme song is heard over the arena sound system, and as he makes his entrance, Hornswoggle re-appears from underneath the ring and looks excited. Hornswoggle quickly re-enters the ring, shillelagh in hand, but is confronted in the corner by Snitsky. Hornswoggle attempts to strike with the shillelagh, but Snitsky catches Hornswoggle's hand, and picks him up, holding him in position for a piledriver. Finlay charges the ring, and launches himself towards Snitsky with a cross-body, knocking him over with Hornswoggle landing in-between. Hornswoggle is shaken, and he and Finlay retreat to another corner. Ultimately, Finlay makes the decision to step over the top rope, carrying Hornswoggle, eliminating them both from the match.

Batista turns his attention to Snitsky, HBK focuses on Foley again, and Palumbo goes after Benjamin.

- Elimination #16. Hornswoggle (by Finlay)
- Elimination #17. Finlay (by himself)

? Entrant #24. Jamie Noble
? Entrant #25. Kane

We see two more entrants join the battle, with each one faring very differently. An obviously injured Noble enters the ring, and is quickly beat up by and eliminated by Chuck Palumbo. Kane enters the ring a minute and a half later, and begins knocking everyone down, eventually chokeslamming each competitor one at a time, except for Batista, who he trades blows with and ultimately eliminates.

- Elimination #18. Jamie Noble (by Chuck Palumbo)
- Elimination #19. Batista (by Kane)

? Entrant #26. Triple H

[ANYTIME, ANYPLACE, ANYWHERE]

And here comes The Game, the contender out of all the popular front-runners most likely to win the 2008 Royal Rumble, as chosen by the users RIGHT HERE, AT WRESTLINGMARKS.COM < insert cheap pop here>, who enters and surveys the damage wreaked by Kane. And then... Shawn Michaels performs a kick-up. D-Generation X reunites mid-Rumble to take on the Big Red Machine, and together expel little effort in sending him back to the locker room. DX makes a quick plan to divide and conquer, picking off Rumble participants one-by-one. Mick Foley and Shelton Benjamin fall prey to this scheme in no time.

- Elimination #20. Kane (eliminated by Triple H & Shawn Michaels)
- Elimination #21. Mick Foley (eliminated by Triple H)
- Elimination #22. Shelton Benjamin (eliminated by Shawn Michaels)

? Entrant #27. John Morrison

After carefully posing for the cameras, John Morrison rushes to the ring as DX awaits his entrance. Morrison screeches to a halt, though, and waits a moment. Snitsky has risen to his feet, and with a standing double axe hammer he brings Triple H to his knees. Morrison enters the ring and begins working on Shawn Michaels, but Michaels gains the upper-hand and sets up Morrison for an Irish whip. Morrison reverses the Irish whip, and Michaels is taken out of the match fairly easily by Chuck Palumbo.

Meanwhile, Triple H has regained the upper-hand on Snitsky, and sends him packing.

- Elimination #23. Shawn Michaels (by Chuck Palumbo)
- Elimination #24. Snitsky (by Triple H)

? Entrant #28. Mark Henry

Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, as Palumbo and Morrison band together to attack Triple H. Mark Henry comes in and targets Palumbo, who is quickly eliminated. Morrison continues to fight against Mark Henry, and Triple H recovers enough to help out, powering Henry over the top rope with a huge clothesline. With little effort, Triple H then sets up Morrison for a Pedigree, and nonchalantly dumps him out, too.

- Elimination #25. Chuck Palumbo (by Mark Henry)
- Elimination #26. Mark Henry (by Triple H)
- Elimination #27. John Morrison (by Triple H)

? Entrant #29. The Great Khali

Triple H is standing alone when the theme song of The Great Khali hits. Showing no fear, Triple H rushes to attack as soon as Khali gets into the ring, but is knocked down by Khali's huge fist. Khali takes time to raise his arms and yell in celebration, as Ranjin Singh claps for Khali outside the ring. Khali moves to pick up Triple H, but finds himself on the receiving end of a low blow. The King notes "Ooh, that may be the biggest low blow of all time!"

Triple H takes this opportunity to stun Khali by dropping Khali face-first into his knee. Khali recoils and staggers backwards, and Triple H finishes him off with a clothesline over the top rope. Triple H flexes his muscles and yells in celebration.

Then, the crowd starts to count in unison with the ticking timer.

10, 9, 8... Triple H takes a spot in the center of the ring.

7, 6, 5... With a grimace on his face, The King of Kings eagerly awaits his next victim.

4, 3, 2, 1 < BZZZZZZZZZ>

Elimination #28. The Great Khali (by Triple H)

? Entrant #30. John Cena

[THE BETTER MAN]

The familiar but almost foreign sound of "My Time Is Now" floods the arena, as John Cena enters the walkway, head down and face shielded. He looks up with a smirk on his face, while Triple H stands in the ring agape at the sight before him. The commentators are shocked. The fans in the arena are electric, most cheering but many booing as well.

Cena rushes the ring and Triple H meets him as they trade blows. Triple H takes a stiff shot to the temple and backs off a bit. Cena is perplexed but also amused. Triple H approaches Cena again, with his hand raised in the air. Cena notes the challenge, and the two engage in a test of strength. Cena begins to overpower the Game, but Triple H delivers a knee to the midsection, and Irish whips Cena against the ropes. On his return trip, Cena clotheslines Triple H, sending him to the mat. With a wave of his hand, Cena initiates the Five-Knuckle Shuffle and successfully strikes. Triple H staggers to his feet but is caught by Cena, who hoists Triple H onto his shoulders for an F-U.

Instead of following through, Cena tries to guide Triple H over the top rope but fails. Triple H fires back with a few successful shots of his own, and forces Cena to let him go. Again he tries Irish-whipping Cena, and successfully delivers a spinebuster, followed by a knee to the forehead. Triple H brings Cena to his feet, and pulls him towards the ropes. Triple H goes for a clothesline, but Cena ducks, grabs Triple H's arm and puts him up again into position for the F-U. In one quick motion, he sends Triple H out of the ring to the arena floor.

- Elimination #29. Triple H (by John Cena)

"The winner of the two-thousand-and-eight Royal Rumble... JOHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNN CEEEEEEEEENAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Cena celebrates and Triple H makes his way back to the locker room, as the commentators wish us a good night and thank us for watching.

ELIMINATIONS:

(6) Triple H
(5) Batista
(4) Shawn Michaels
(2) The Undertaker
(2) Shelton Benjamin
(2) Finlay
(2) Chuck Palumbo
(2) CM Punk
(1) Kane
(1) Mick Foley
(1) Hardcore Holly
(1) Mark Henry
(1) Umaga
(1) Cody Rhodes
(1) John Cena

(Note: These numbers add up to more than 29 due to some eliminations being credited to multiple superstars.)

~SUMMARY~

Well, that's it. As I've stated previously, I felt the actual 2008 Royal Rumble was a letdown because nothing really exciting happened from start to finish, except for a few all too convenient pairs of entrances which dramatically impacted their reception negatively.

One major complaint was that too many main eventers and monsters went into "on fire" mode and eliminated a bunch of talent. As I wrote this I decided that storytelling was more important than making sure everyone got in a "good number" of eliminations, but my results still skew slightly better than WWE's. Their version spread the eliminations out between 13 participants, while my version gives eliminations to 15 of them. Incidentally, the most eliminations for both matches turned out to be Triple H with 6. That's not something I set out to do; it just kind of happened.

Anyways, if you're still with me, I'd like to know which match you'd have rather watched, the 2008 Royal Rumble as presented by the WWE, or the 2008 Royal Rumble as rescripted by yours truly. And don't forget to say why!