DXSSI

Posted on 2/6/08 3:49 AM

What is personal responsibility? Where should we draw the lines as it pertains to what should and should not be aired on television, and for whose benefit? The purpose of this blog is to create a better discussion about this issue, which was raised by theone86 in the comments to my recent blog, "The insinuation that wrestling fans are stupid." By relocating it here, I think we can better focus on the issue at hand without impeding the progress of a completely separate topic.

For the sake of completeness, I'm reposting the relevant comments from the previous blog, so if you've seen them already, please skip ahead to Section II for my reply to theone86's final comment in Section I before leaving your own thoughts in the comments for this blog.

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Section I. Previously-made comments
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From theone86 on 2/5/08 12:52 AM

I have to say that I know a lot of people who criticise me for watching wrestling, and lately it's becoming harder and harder to defend myself. "But there's a certain psychology that goes into working a ma...OK, but the cruiserweights can put on some great macthes without having to don some stupid gimmi...OK, but the women aren't just for show, there are some that are genuinely athle...OK, but these wrestlers are very creative on the mic and can do some pretty deep stu...You know what, screw it."
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that wrestling fans are by nature stupid. I am saying that I think we are becoming more pedestrian in what we expect from wrestling. That's not to say that we're getting dumber, but I think there are a lot of people who take Vince McMahon's word as gospel truth. Wrestling seems to me to be more and more of an opiate. And if you really want to change public opinion of wrestling, and by extension its fans, I would suggest trying a little bit harder than proving you can read a numbering system that's really only around because of historic significance and asthetic value. I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just saying that reading Roman Numerals is a pretty simplistic thing. Maybe start a correspondence with WWE about certian issues (you probably won't get more than a, "we value your input," email, but every little bit counts. I personally send WWE tons of emails about how breast implants and steroids help support unhealthy ideals of hegemonic masculinity, or how I'd like to see more athletic women fued regularly for the title, or how the Women's and Cruiserweight Divisions get no exposure, or how I wish they'd change ECW up a little bit in order to attract a new demographic, or how their writing is just getting piss poor, or how their work schedule is completely ridiculous, or how I think that Vince McMahon's desire to push the envelope goes beyond trying to inspire social change and into plain irresponsibility, or at how apalled I was at the Condemned. It's not just WWE either. I've sent TNA a good number of fire Russo emails, among other things. It doesn't really do anything but piss them off, but that's the first step in any real change. Plus, like I said, if the wrestling community actually starts demanding standards people might actually look at us as fans of a legitimate art and not just a bunch of yokels who get riled up watching "fake" competition.

From theone86 on 2/5/08 12:53 AM

And I know a lot of shit's mispelled. It's late, I'm tired, it's not a professional paper, and I still have better grammar than half the people on this site.

From DXSSI on 2/5/08 4:32 PM

Those are all valid points and worthy of their own blog. But personally, I feel differently about the issue. I like sports entertainment the way it is (which isn't to say there aren't things I dislike; I'm speaking generally), and I would rather change people's perceptions about the viewership of professional wrestling than change professional wrestling itself.

Inducing those kinds of changes in professional wrestling will take years, if not decades, and besides, it will most likely all be for naught so long as WWE is the #1 sports-entertainment company and a McMahon or descendant-of-McMahon is running things. As a quick example, sure, we can certainly complain about lack of athletic women and reliance on breast implants, but the sad truth is that the Diva Search typically boosts the ratings. This has nothing to do with wrestling fans, by the way.

All Hollywood entertainment and professional sports, in some way, uses these same concepts in their programming. Sex sells. Attitude sells. Conflict, aggression, competition, controversy... these things all get ratings. You can hardly fault the WWE for simply providing what America has shown that it wants, and the WWE is no different from any other entertainment company in that regard. And you can hardly fault any competitor who strives to be more like WWE in an attempt to surpass them. And unless America's overall attitude changes, I don't see this type of programming changing anytime soon, in professional wrestling or elsewhere.

[note: the remainder of this post is irrelevant to this topic and has been omitted]

From theone86 on 2/5/08 8:51 PM

I can fault WWE on any number of things. Personally, I'd rather not stand idly by and just let media outlets, WWE or otherwise, get off the hook for certain things.

First off, that's such a cop-out excuse, that the American viewership asks for sex and gets it. It's not just about sex, but degrading depictions of women and simplistic depictions of beauty. I can find a lot of studies myself that say a great deal about how hegemonic masculinity affects the psychic of impressionable youths, and how it affects suicide rates, depression, and other things. This isn't just about women, either. Supporting the ideas of narrow sex roles plays a great deal into men's health when it comes to health of the heart, psychiatric health, being able to have healthy relationships, and so on. Now the American public may eat this up, but does that make it right to sell it to them? An 8 year old will buy crack if you offer it to him, does that mean the kid's the person at fault for not being knowledgable? Of course not, we don't expect the kid to have mature knowledge at that age, we expect others in society to have the reponsibility not to sell crack to eight year olds. Most people in America either have no clue as to the effects of such simple things as the portrayal of women on TV, or they choose to remain ignorant to it. Does that mean we should continue to sell them a product that traps children in a mindset of what roles women belong in and what roles men belong in? Should we doom another generation to abusive relationships, hurtful stereotypes, and rigid sex roles that can cause major health issues at any given point in their lives? Absolutely not. I agree that things won't change overnight, but if we become indifferent to it altogether, we're never going to do any good. The best way to combat this type of thing is by taking personal responsibility and trying to get the word out to as many people as possible, like I'm doing here. Do I have any illusions that everyone on wrestlingmarks is suddenly going to start demanding WWE treat its female talent with more respect? Of course not, but it's too important for me to just not say anything.

Also, this isn't about likes and dislikes, it's about serious issues in society. You may not think it effects you, but I can almost 100% garuntee you that someone you know, or maybe even you, have been affected personally, whether you realize it or not.

As for changing the perception, here's where the problem lies. If I made snuff films, and I came out anonymously and asked the public to accept snuff films as a legitimate art form, they're simply not going to. The general public might not be very discerning, but there are groups out there that are dedicated to these issues and who do put pressure on WWE about them, and it's not a bad thing. Vince McMahon comes out and acts like he should be able to come out and not only air anything he wants, but not be subject to any criticism for it. That's the exact definition of irresponsibility, not being subject to any standards. The fact is that these people aren't just a bunch of crazies, they're basing their action on legitimate studies with a legitimate concern for the general population. Anyways, public opinion is what it is because wrestling has somehow managed to escape criticism on every issue from steroids, to treatment of women, to fair business practices, and more. They can do that because they cater to a portion of the population that, by and large, likes to stay away from any major issues. These issues ARE problems, and public opinion of wrestling and its fans is never going to change unless people start to educate themselves on these issues, and start demanding change. Porn is always going to be porn, smut is always going to be smut, women crawling around on all fours for Vince on national TV is always going to be distasteful, Necrophelia humor is always going to be frowned upon, Vince pulling things out of a plastic ass or having other people kiss his ass is always going to be low-brow, and athletic women who are dedicated to a profession getting pushed aside for mud wrestling matches is always going to be wrong. If Vince wants respect, he has to stop running this crap. If we want respect, we have to send Vince a message that we're not going to watch it anymore.

From SvRKingofKings on 2/5/08 11:00 PM

Hah...Im 16, and AM a nerd. For some reason, I believe "entertainment" is just being used as a moniker in the WWE nowadays. Not saying that I am discontent with my Monday, Friday, and (during PPV's) Sunday nights of WWE, (notice the very deliberate skip over Tuesday nights' rendition of what we hoped to be the rebirth of Extreme Championship Wrestling, but instead got Vince's Extremely Crappy Wrestling) but I think that the post-Attitude Era was a downgrade. Currently on RAW, we see nothing but eye-candy divas (There are some that look good and can perform - Mickie James...Victoria!...;D ) I guess I loved watching Chyna in the 90's because she was dominant and wasn't just all show. I want Divas that use more than their breasts, and giving Jerry Lawler an erection to get over with the fans. But...on the topic of "entertainment"...the "Kiss My Ass" club? Vince, are you serious!? I was truly "entertained" when Stone Cold Steve Austin was kicking your ass, and The Rock shoved your face into Rikishi's saggy ass!

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Section II. My response (new)
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Personal responsibility. A lot of people use this term, but how many are really willing to stand behind personal responsibility (and nothing else)? In my opinion, what theone86 posted bears little resemblance to the actual endorsement of personal responsibility.

theone86 referenced hegemonic masculinity, narrowly defined sex roles and the controversial sale of illegal narcotics to our nation's eight-year-olds as just a few of the reasons he emails WWE to try to induce changes. Emailing WWE about unsatisfactory programming is all well and good, and I wouldn't fault him for doing that, if it was really for his own sake. If you're not happy with a product, contacting the manufacturer of that product and letting them know why and how is a worthwhile venture. However, as theone86 has described it, with references such as "traps children in a mindset" and "doom another generation", it sounds like a lot more than personal responsibility to me. It sounds like carrying the weight of the world on one's shoulders.

There's no denying that what the WWE airs each and every week can have a negative influence on an untrained mind. Women do get degraded, and artifically-created beauty is exalted. These are not standards to which one should aspire in life. So then, suppose we all initiate a grass-roots letter-writing campaign and a boycott of WWE, and are successful in getting the WWE to change their ways? You still have a product that depicts violence, ruthless aggression, trash-talking, backstabbing, lying, cheating & stealing, and the list does go on. Are these influences any better?

This is where actual personal responsibility comes in. Now, if we're talking about raising the next generation, then in some cases your average eight-year-old is not equipped to deal with some of life's challenges. Parents have to be personally responsible for their children and teach them the difference between right and wrong; bad and good. Once this is done, parents need to assess whether they've done their jobs appropriately. Fun fact: your child will not be under your continual guidance forever. If you fear for the things that will enter his or her mind the minute you're not helicoptering over them, you'd better start working harder.

This could mean watching WWE programming with them, and explaining the difference between right and wrong as the opportunities present themselves, or this could mean calling the police if you're afraid you've created a monster. You could outright prevent your children from watching WWE programming, but past a certain age, this becomes completely unreasonable; all you're doing is putting off the inevitable, and if your children are going to pick up the bad influences of the programming, they'll still do it, but (a) in secret, behind your back, (b) later on when they become adults and have moved out on their own, or (c) after you're dead and buried.

As far as what's "right" for the children? I think that crack cocaine is a bad example; at eight years old I certainly understood the concept of illegal drugs well enough to know not to take them. If someone offered me crack cocaine, I'd have known to say no. If someone offered to sell me crack cocaine, I'm even more sure I wouldn't have had the money to buy it. Crack cocaine is usually valued at hundreds of dollars per ounce (sorry I don't have a better figure, I don't know any dealers I can ask), and even the most generous allowance isn't going to cover it. However, I doubt that I'd have known crack if I'd seen it; if someone had given me some, lied and said it was candy, maybe I would have tried it (although I pretty averse to putting icky-looking things in my mouth back then). But people generally don't go around handing out free crack cocaine, given the cost.

How did I know about crack cocaine at the age of eight? I was taught about it by my parents, as any child should be, long before the age of eight. Children should know this before entertaining grade school, where constant supervision becomes an impossibility. Of course an eight-year-old wouldn't and couldn't know any of this if someone wasn't teaching them otherwise. That's entirely besides the point. And yeah, in spite of their education, some kids will inevitably do crack anyways. That's unfortunate, but short of keeping our kids in handcuffs and muzzles, you can't stop them from doing it. You can only hope to influence them not to.

Now, if instead we're talking about the influence this type of programming has on adults, that's slightly different. A well-adjusted adult, of course, should be perfectly capable of watching anything you can put on TV (and things you cannot) and still walk away with the same sense of morals, right and wrong, bad and good. Not all adults have their heads screwed on straight; no doubt, there are people on trial every day, people imprisoned for life, and victims who have suffered at the hands of these people. These are all unfortunate cases, but what can we do about them?

Sometimes, we can take reasonable actions. The harmful effects of crack cocaine are serious enough that the pleasure derived from "getting high" does not warrant its use, and thus it should be outlawed and anyone attempting to sell it to others, especially eight-year-olds, ought to be prosecuted. As it is, and as they are.

But when you're dealing with entertainment and fiction, you have to let it be, more or less. Yes, bad influences abound in it. Depending on the program you're watching, you may witness violence, murder, nudity, sex, rape, philandering, cussing, dirty jokes, and/or people hitting each other in the face with cream pies. Some of these actions are more acceptable than others (ranging from "in the right context" to "not at all") but if you're going to advocate the removal of bad influences from works of fiction, you're advocating cleaning up the airwaves by censorship.

And who decides what gets censored and what doesn't? Perhaps a consumer advocacy group like the Parents' Television Council (PTC), a group founded for the express purpose of taking down the television programs whose content they disagree with and which is freely accessible to their children. Advocates, yes, but not for personal responsibility. Rather than being personally responsible for themselves and their children, these parents and grandparents want blanket coverage during certain hours so that not only can their kids not watch naughty television programs, but neither can anyone else.

In the WWE's case, if you take things to the extreme, you can pretty much obliterate the whole product. You could, perhaps, send well-dressed men out to the arena floor (there would be no purpose for a wrestling ring) to participate in arm-wrestling competitions. After all, the unchecked physical contact and tight spandex commonly seen in professional wrestling could potentially influence our innocent children to become violent, or worse still, homosexual. (Please note: sarcasm.)

Is this really the way to go about things? I don't want to pretend that there are no ill effects from entertainment. Yes, mentally-weak people can be and are influenced by it. But we've come a long way from the days of barbarianism. Even so, there is still a lot of strife in the world, there is still a war in Iraq, there is still poverty, homelessness, disease, intolerance, and many, many other problems that afflict the human race. But on the whole, we're progressing, and considerably at that.

Personal responsibility does not entail protecting innocent eyes from all bad influences. It's been said many times before, but there was violence, murder, rape, etc. before television existed, hell, before the printing press existed. Man invented bad behavior all by himself, and does not necessarily need someone or something to make the example for him before deciding to act wrongly. Then what is personal responsibility? True personal responsibility is achieved by subjecting the next generation to good influences greater in amount and value than the bad influences they will inevitably encounter.

Looking at things from another perspective, isn't it better to have bad influences played out on television? If you look hard enough, you may even find the shiny glint of a moral in the story. In most cases, you'll see murder and rape in crime dramas, where the bad guy gets caught and goes to prison. Or take last Monday's episode of Raw, specifically, the Kiss My Ass Club segment. That Mr. McMahon character sure did some heinous things. He unfairly berated his bastard son, he demanded that his son kiss his naked ass as a form of punishment, and then he lectured the viewing audience on how they ought to be more like him; never mind the fact that the presence of his bastard son is a continual reminder of the philandering ways of the Mr. McMahon character. Indeed, all of these are terrible things.

But I would suggest to you that anyone watching WWE television who is old enough to form a coherent sentence can see that the Mr. McMahon character is not a role model. Anyone watching that segment (who was previously undecided for whatever reason) should have come away with the impression that being like Mr. McMahon is bad.

Again, if you're trying to change the WWE because you personally dislike the brash content and want to watch professional wrestling without all the cockteasing, that's reasonable. If you're trying to change the WWE because you think the objectionable content is going to ruin the youth of America when allowed to run rampant, you're barking up the wrong tree. Once you get through to Vince McMahon and the WWE and they stop airing filthiness, you still have dozens upon dozens of other production companies, hundreds of television networks, thousands of other television programs, and millions of other individual corruptible sources of entertainment to cleanse. And if you stop after having changed WWE, thinking you've done your part, then you're doing a disservice to our youth, because they'll just get their filth from another source, such as an estranged uncle who likes to tell dirty jokes. There's tons of it out there, and it's not always where you'd expect to find it.

And you'll still have to deal with people like me, who like things fine the way they are, who are capable of thinking for ourselves, and who may very well get violent if you take away the entertainment we enjoy in the name of safety. ;)

Time which is intended to be spent towards bettering life for the generations which will follow is best spent educating others. True, there doesn't yet exist a good forum for this on the global or even national scale, which is why television is so quickly attacked; it's an easily exploitable forum. The Internet isn't half-bad; we have virtual communities in which people can civilly conduct discourse, but users ultimately have control and must seek this out on their own, or else they can use AIM or IRC to get in touch with their drug dealer. And even if we did have the perfect forum in which to do this, there would still be fights over who gets control... which would incite violence. In many ways, it's a never-ending cycle.

If you still have a serious problem with fiction and its portrayal to our youth, then you are advocating life in a world where legislators have control over what you get to see on TV and in movies, where Jack Thompson can censor your video games, where your local library can burn books with objectionable content... where free speech is outlawed.

And if you choose to work towards the erosion of free speech under the guise of personal responsibility, then it's hard for me to have much respect for your means or your intentions.

0 comments Permalink

Posted on 2/4/08 1:11 AM

I'm so tired of this stereotype. Not only do we regularly have to hear how dumb professional wrestling is, but in plenty of cases we also have to put up with people directly stating that we must be some kind of idiots in order to watch this stuff. This stereotype seems to be readily accepted by the mainstream, even by the media, who should have higher standards but clearly do not.

The reason I bring this up is a recent sports article about Roman numerals in the Houston Chronicle in which the writer states "After all, WWE's Wrestlemania is 23 going on XXIV in its strange back-and-forth branding, and their fans wouldn't know what a XXIV was if one hit them in the face with a spinning heel kick from the top rope."

To the writer's credit, the WWE isn't helping matters with the back-and-forth branding, as he calls it. Roman numerals are not exclusively used to promote Wrestlemania. Last year, it was in fact Wrestlemania 23 and not Wrestlemania XXIII. In previous years we've born witness to Wrestlemania 2000, Wrestlemania X8, and even Wrestlemania X-Seven. Are these purely marketing gimmicks, or does the WWE believe the stereotype itself?

Nevertheless, I expect journalists to have higher standards than marketers, so I'm still put off by the writer's comments. I happen to know Roman numerals quite well, and could easily pepper a paragraph with them. For example, I could talk at length about how Ric Flair is a XVI time world champion. Or about the Royal Rumble, which has XXX participants each year. Or how Chris Jericho has been known as the man of MIV holds.

And I'm curious if other wrestling fans are capable of the same. Below I've posted a small quiz on Roman Numerals and Wrestlemania. I'll list the event, and all you have to do is answer back with the year in which the event will take place, given the following assumptions:

- The WWE will never go out of business.
- Wrestlemania will continue to be held annually without fail, and never more than once a year.
- The WWE will actually use Roman numerals to promote future Wrestlemanias (as if).

I'd like to be able to email the writer with a link to this blog when all is said and done, so remember Kurt Angle's III I's. (At least intelligence and integrity.) So if you want to participate, please do your own work and don't copy off of others' papers. (Or else you'll have to listen to a lecture from Matt Striker.)

At last, the quiz. Again, do not just translate the Roman numeral, provide the YEAR in which each event will take place. I'll post answers/results on Wednesday.

I. Wrestlemania XLII

II. Wrestlemania XXX

III. Wrestlemania M

IV. Wrestlemania DX

V. Wrestlemania CLV

VI. Wrestlemania XLV

VII. Wrestlemania MLVI

VIII. Wrestlemania XIXV

IX. Wrestlemania XCIX

X. Wrestlemania MDCCCLXXIV

13 comments Permalink

Posted on 1/31/08 3:26 AM

I'm calling a mulligan on behalf of the WWE. This blog contains a full rewrite of the 2008 Royal Rumble, as a continuation of sorts to my blog from a few days ago, "A Royal Rumble Review..."

Why? Mostly wishful thinking on my part; in previous years the WWE has been very good at utilizing the Royal Rumble like any other match... to tell stories. In the Royal Rumble's case, they're generally short stories that, presented as a whole become one of the most memorable matches of the year. Last Sunday's Rumble didn't have that due to major structural problems, rule changes and breaks from tradition. So I've rewritten the event to contain what I feel is more engaging content, and is a match that I would have fun watching.

Before going any further, please be aware that I've constrained myself to playing by WWE's rules, mostly meaning that John Cena still wins. You can't change destiny. I also required myself to use the same talent roster, with one exception: I replaced Chavo Guerrero with Brian Kendrick due to the complaints I (and many others) had about a World Champion competing in the Royal Rumble. There are other restrictions I imposed upon myself but for the sake of brevity I won't go into all the details at this point. The purpose was simply to prove to myself (and anyone reading) that I could do better than the WWE using their deck.

As you'll see, I've made it a point to highlight key encounters and the stories they tell, which are what are supposed to make matches like the Royal Rumble truly special, regardless of who wins. Stories are denoted [IN CAPS] with brackets surrounding them. Keep in mind that as you're watching WWE programming, these stories are served merely as undertones, so they're kept extremely simple so that we can all unconsciously identify with them. Larger stories are built into actual feuds that go on for weeks if not months.

That said, let's get things started with a retrospective.



~Monday Night Raw, January 21, 2008~



Brian Kendrick vs. Umaga
*QUALIFYING MATCH*

The match plays out basically as we all remember, with some small changes. Kendrick manages to hit a couple of awesome high-flying moves on Umaga, which enrages him. J.R. points out that Umaga was in that cage match with Jeff Hardy just one week ago, and perhaps that is why Umaga is becoming so enraged at these actions. Umaga wins the match in the end, but he won't stop beating up Kendrick. The referee is forced to reverse the decision in Brian Kendrick's favor, earning him a spot in the Royal Rumble.



~The Royal Rumble Match~



"Ladies and gentlemen...... ARE... YOU... READY? ARE...... YOU............. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREADY?"

"Now introducing the man who drew #1... from Chicago, Illinois, weighing in at 222 pounds... C... M..... Punnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk!"

? Entrant #1. CM Punk

As CM Punk makes his way to the ring, Joey Styles quickly recaps how CM Punk lost the ECW Championship just last Tuesday. Michael Cole jumps in to remind us that Punk now faces insurmountable odds if he wants an automatic rematch at Wrestlemania. Tazz notes that if Punk hadn't lost the belt in the first place, he wouldn't even be in this match. (Please note that it is assumed that Punk took the open slot left by Chavo Guerrero.)

"And now, here is the man who drew #2... weighing in at 348 pounds..... from the Isle of Samoa.... The Samoan Bullllllllllllldozerrrrrrrr, Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumaaaaaagaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

? Entrant #2. Umaga

(Note: Go on, try and tell me you wouldn't have loved to have heard Michael Buffer introduce Umaga.)

The commentators now express their condolences to CM Punk, who has to start the match with Umaga across the ring from him.

[INTERBRAND INTRO]

You pretty much have to have this in any modern Royal Rumble, as WWE did. That's not something I'd ever change.

[DAVID VS. GOLIATH]

I figure, rather than the ultimate contrivance that WWE committed by pitting Undertaker vs. HBK right from the start, we'll go with a classic story. The young up-and-coming CM Punk already has a huge task ahead of him, not even counting the other 28 men he has to survive if he's going to win this thing. Punk and Umaga do battle for awhile, with Punk doling out his share of the offense but still sustaining quite a beating. That is, until it's time for entrant #3...

? Entrant #3. Tommy Dreamer

[NATURAL BORN ALLIES]

Dreamer joins the fray and targets Umaga. Of course the Rumble is every man for himself, but Punk and Dreamer are both ECW babyfaces and have teamed before, so naturally the two would band together to ward off Umaga, who puts either man by himself at a disadvantage. Punk & Dreamer manage to wear down Umaga quite a bit, and attempt to put him over the top rope, but are unsuccessful at this time.

? Entrant #4. Batista

[IRONMAN]

In the 2008 Royal Rumble, Batista was the WWE's 'Ironman', lasting longer than any other participant. That's one of the constraints I placed upon myself - making sure that Batista hangs around the longest - fortunately it's an easy one to swallow. Batista enters the ring and takes down Punk & Dreamer simultaneously, and easily eliminates Tommy Dreamer from the match.

- Elimination #1. Tommy Dreamer (by Batista)

Umaga now turns his attention to Batista, which allows Punk to rest up a bit.

? Entrant #5. Carlito
? Entrant #6. Mr. Kennedy

Now, when I go and list entrants in a row like that, please don't assume that absolutely nothing is happening. There are always periods of downtime in the Rumble to allow the ring to fill up so it FEELS like a Rumble, and also so that someone can potentially go on a hot streak and empty the ring. In this case, I'm working towards letting the ring fill up a bit.

Following Carlito's entrance, he pairs off with (and takes advantage of a weakened) CM Punk while Batista and Umaga continue to do battle. Batista tries to move Umaga over the top rope, but Umaga fights back fiercely. CM Punk regains the upper hand on Carlito just as Mr. Kennedy joins the battle, and comes to the assistance of Carlito, putting Punk into a two-on-one situation. Umaga turns the tables on Batista at this point, sending him to the mat.

? Entrant #7. Brian Kendrick

[SETTLE THE SCORE?]

Enter Brian Kendrick, who has something of a score to settle with Umaga. He's noticeably hurting, but still filled with energy as he rushes right to try and take down Umaga. Idiot. Kendrick is quickly eliminated as Umaga returns his attention to Batista, who is ready to carry his side of the fight again.

- Elimination #2. Brian Kendrick (by Umaga)

? Entrant #8. Cody Rhodes

Young Cody Rhodes makes his way to the ring and gives some much-needed assistance to CM Punk, who by now has had to fight off multiple elimination attempts by Carlito and Kennedy, who are surprisingly working together quite well as a cohesive unit. Cody pairs off with Kennedy, causing enough of an interruption to allow CM Punk to gain the upper hand on Carlito, and eliminate him. Now the tables are turned as Punk and Rhodes tag-team Mr. Kennedy.

- Elimination #3. Carlito (by CM Punk)

? Entrant #9. The Undertaker

[JUNIOR/SENIOR]

The Royal Rumble is being broadcast live from Madison Square Garden this year, which means an exceptionally short entranceway, enabling The Undertaker to reach the ring with a reasonable amount of time left before the next entrant is set to join in. The Undertaker assists Batista with Umaga, creating an interesting, if brief dynamic with three large wrestlers and three average wrestlers competing side-by-side.

? Entrant #10. Elijah Burke

[FACE-OFF]

Burke makes his way to the ring but holds off on actually getting into the ring, as he watches The Undertaker and Batista work together to eliminate Umaga, and Rhodes and Punk eliminate Mr. Kennedy on the opposite side of the ring.

- Elimination #4. Umaga (by Batista & The Undertaker)
- Elimination #5. Mr. Kennedy (by Cody Rhodes and CM Punk)

There is a brief face-off of Undertaker/Punk and Batista/Rhodes, but Burke decides it's time to pick a side. He slides into the ring and immediately cheapshots Cody Rhodes. Batista laughs at this, and goes over to join that battle, while Punk tries his best to take on The Undertaker. Batista makes short work of Elijah Burke while Cody Rhodes recuperates.

- Elimination #6. Elijah Burke (by Batista)

? Entrant #11. Big Daddy V

The Undertaker dominates CM Punk and tries to eliminate him, but Punk fights back valiantly and refuses to go down. Big Daddy V enters the ring and takes down Batista and Cody Rhodes. He then sets his sights on The Undertaker, who he also manages to momentarily overwhelm. Returning his attention to Batista, he attempts to go for the elimination but Batista won't give up so easily. CM Punk takes advantage of the damage caused by BDV, or at least tries to, being unsuccessful in eliminating The Undertaker.

? Entrant #12. Hardcore Holly

[TWO OF A KIND]

And here comes Cody Rhodes' tag-team partner, Hardcore Holly! The Undertaker is on the mat, but a winded CM Punk decides he'd be better off working with Batista on Big Daddy V. Cody Rhodes syncs up with Holly as they plan to take on The Undertaker, who just got back to his feet. Rhodes makes the first move and strikes The Undertaker, who no sells the attack. Holly stands there with his arms at his waist, looking dumbfounded. Then he grabs Cody from behind and easily dumps him over the top rope. A shocked Cody Rhodes looks back at his partner in disbelief, but the look on Holly's face says it all: it's every man for himself. J.R. reminds the viewers at home of this fact, just in case there are any morons watching.

However, Hardcore Holly is penalized for taking his mind off his game, as he is suddenly tossed over the top rope by The Undertaker, landing next to Cody Rhodes. Cody begins to laugh, but Holly slaps the smirk off his face as the pair heads back to the locker room.

- Elimination #7. Cody Rhodes (by Hardcore Holly)
- Elimination #8. Hardcore Holly (by The Undertaker)

? Entrant #13. Mick Foley

[ROOKIE VS. LEGEND]

The Undertaker goes to work on Big Daddy V with Batista & Punk, but Foley pulls Punk out of that fray into their own. Punk and Foley trade blows, Foley tries to eliminate Punk but is unsuccessful. The Undertaker, Batista and Big Daddy V all take turns trying to eliminate each other, but no one is successful.

? Entrant #14. The Miz

[UNEASY ALLIANCE]

The Miz joins in and disrupts Foley, who has Punk on the ropes, somewhat literally. Foley takes on Miz and puts him to the mat easily, but before making too much headway Punk jumps Foley from behind. Together, Punk and Miz take on Foley. Meanwhile, BDV has taken command of the situation with Batista and The Undertaker. The Undertaker is down on one side of the ring, while BDV is working on getting Batista over the top rope on another side.

? Entrant #15. Shawn Michaels

[SHOWDOWN - TAKE TWO]

Batista is put over the top by Big Daddy V, but he manages to hold onto the bottom rope and guides himself to the ring apron. HBK enters the ring, and just as Big Daddy V turns around, he's clocked by unrehearsed Sweet Chin Music, sending him sailing over the top rope to the floor below. Shawn Michaels turns around with a smile on his face, only to lose it seconds later as he locks eyes with the Deadman, who just sat back up.

- Elimination #9. Big Daddy V (by Shawn Michaels)

Also during this time, CM Punk and The Miz set their sights on each other, and Foley intercedes, resulting in a three-way battle.

? Entrant #16. Santino Marella

Marella joins in the Rumble, and immediately goes for Mick Foley, while The Miz concentrates on CM Punk. Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker take turns trying to eliminate each other, neither being successful. Batista continues to rest from the beating BDV gave him.

? Entrant #17. Hornswoggle

[MIGHTY LITTLE MAN?]

Irish eyes are smiling, here comes the underdog to precede all underdogs, Hornswoggle! He heads down the entrance way with an impish grin on his face, but as he nears the ropes his expression turns to fear as he gets a better look at what's going on in the ring. Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker collide with each other, both of them getting knocked down in the process. Hornswoggle dives under the ring.

Jerry Lawler quips, "Well, so much for Hornswoggle!" as the others agree, until Hornswoggle suddenly re-emerges from under the ring... with Finlay's shillelagh. He climbs into the ring and hits The Miz in the knee with it, quickly followed by CM Punk. Foley sees this, and takes The Miz hostage, which Hornswoggle is all too happy to take advantage of. Miz goes down in pain, as Foley puts his hand out to Hornswoggle. Hornswoggle gives Foley a high-five. Foley drags The Miz parallel to the corner, and appears to be setting things up for a Tadpole Splash, when the buzzer goes off and out comes...

? Entrant #18. Snitsky

As Snitsky stomps his way to the ring, HBK performs a kick-up as the Undertaker sits up again. Hornswoggle thinks better of his current lot and quickly ducks underneath the bottom rope to hide under the ring once more. Without missing a beat, Foley tries to put The Miz over the top rope near the corner, but The Miz hangs on, resting on the ring apron. Meanwhile, CM Punk is back to his feet and mirrors Foley's actions, dumping Santino Marella over the top rope in the same corner as The Miz but on the opposite side of the turnbuckle. However, Marella too is able to hang on to the bottom rope and stays alive for the time being. Foley, seeing a more meaningful opportunity, returns his attention to a half-limping CM Punk.

On the other side of the ring, Snitsky involves himself with The Undertaker and HBK, who briefly work together to take Snitsky on. HBK can't resist cheapshotting The Undertaker, though, and all three wind up battling with no one superstar being especially dominant. Batista then gets involved, and now the four of them are fighting, Batista primarily with HBK and Snitsky primarily with The Undertaker.

The Miz and Santino Marella get back to their feet, with each one trying to make the other one fall off the apron. They each try to climb the turnbuckle for leverage.

? Entrant #19. Shelton Benjamin

[SHELTON BENJAMIN IS AWESOME]

Shelton Benjamin enters the ring quickly and heads straight to the far corner, and with a mighty leap ascends to the top turnbuckle, slamming the heads of The Miz and Santino Marella off the turnbuckle as he rises. Both recoil tremendously and fall to the floor. Shelton briefly admires his handiwork and then turns his attention to what's going on in the ring. He sees an opportunity and goes for a flying cross-body, only to be caught and powerslammed by Snitsky.

Meanwhile, Mick Foley finally gets the upper-hand on CM Punk, sending him over the top rope. Undertaker, Batista & Michaels are still trading attacks.

- Elimination #10. The Miz (by Shelton Benjamin)
- Elimination #11. Santino Marella (by Shelton Benjamin)
- Elimination #12. CM Punk (by Mick Foley)

? Entrant #20. Chuck Palumbo

Look out, it's the new bad boy of Smackdown, Chuck Palumbo! Ready to wreak havoc and cause some real damage, or something like that. Palumbo goes after Batista, while Snitsky continues to work over Shelton Benjamin. Foley, without anything better to do, goes after the Undertaker. Undertaker sets his sights primarily on Foley.

This is unfortunate for him, because not long after his attention is diverted by his old rival, Shawn Michaels sees his opportunity and tosses The Undertaker over the top rope.

Elimination #13. The Undertaker (by Shawn Michaels)

? Entrant #21. "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka

SUPA-SUPA-SUPAFLY. Jimmy Snuka makes an appearance, to the surprise of the crowd. Shelton Benjamin has Snitsky backed into a corner, and he and Snuka take turns delivering knife-edge chops to Snitsky. At the same time, Palumbo is now working on Foley, and Michaels on Batista.

? Entrant #22. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

[LEGENDARY FEUD REKINDLED]

(Note: If you recall my previous blog, this was one of the parts of the actual Rumble that I took to task for being too contrived. But, given that I restricted myself to using the same roster as the WWE (minus Chavo) and that neither Snuka or Piper were in good enough shape to really get involved in the Rumble proper, I had no choice to follow through with the same basic concept WWE employed. Sometimes you have to play with the hand you're dealt, you know? One minor change will be that the other competitors won't all STOP WHAT THEY'RE DOING just because of all the epicness.)

"Rowdy" Roddy Piper enters the arena to roaring cheers from the fans in attendance, already anticipating what's about to happen. Snuka diverts his attention from Snitsky and awaits his old rival.

Meanwhile, Snitsky regains the upper hand on Shelton Benjamin, and Batista takes down Michaels. Foley now tries to eliminate Palumbo, but fails in doing so.

Piper and Snuka trade blows for awhile as the crowd pops, but Batista sees an opportunity and seizes it, quickly knocking down both Snuka and Piper, then eliminating them both.

Elimination #14. "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka (by Batista)
Elimination #15. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (by Batista)

? Entrant #23. Finlay

[THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE]

Finlay's theme song is heard over the arena sound system, and as he makes his entrance, Hornswoggle re-appears from underneath the ring and looks excited. Hornswoggle quickly re-enters the ring, shillelagh in hand, but is confronted in the corner by Snitsky. Hornswoggle attempts to strike with the shillelagh, but Snitsky catches Hornswoggle's hand, and picks him up, holding him in position for a piledriver. Finlay charges the ring, and launches himself towards Snitsky with a cross-body, knocking him over with Hornswoggle landing in-between. Hornswoggle is shaken, and he and Finlay retreat to another corner. Ultimately, Finlay makes the decision to step over the top rope, carrying Hornswoggle, eliminating them both from the match.

Batista turns his attention to Snitsky, HBK focuses on Foley again, and Palumbo goes after Benjamin.

- Elimination #16. Hornswoggle (by Finlay)
- Elimination #17. Finlay (by himself)

? Entrant #24. Jamie Noble
? Entrant #25. Kane

We see two more entrants join the battle, with each one faring very differently. An obviously injured Noble enters the ring, and is quickly beat up by and eliminated by Chuck Palumbo. Kane enters the ring a minute and a half later, and begins knocking everyone down, eventually chokeslamming each competitor one at a time, except for Batista, who he trades blows with and ultimately eliminates.

- Elimination #18. Jamie Noble (by Chuck Palumbo)
- Elimination #19. Batista (by Kane)

? Entrant #26. Triple H

[ANYTIME, ANYPLACE, ANYWHERE]

And here comes The Game, the contender out of all the popular front-runners most likely to win the 2008 Royal Rumble, as chosen by the users RIGHT HERE, AT WRESTLINGMARKS.COM < insert cheap pop here>, who enters and surveys the damage wreaked by Kane. And then... Shawn Michaels performs a kick-up. D-Generation X reunites mid-Rumble to take on the Big Red Machine, and together expel little effort in sending him back to the locker room. DX makes a quick plan to divide and conquer, picking off Rumble participants one-by-one. Mick Foley and Shelton Benjamin fall prey to this scheme in no time.

- Elimination #20. Kane (eliminated by Triple H & Shawn Michaels)
- Elimination #21. Mick Foley (eliminated by Triple H)
- Elimination #22. Shelton Benjamin (eliminated by Shawn Michaels)

? Entrant #27. John Morrison

After carefully posing for the cameras, John Morrison rushes to the ring as DX awaits his entrance. Morrison screeches to a halt, though, and waits a moment. Snitsky has risen to his feet, and with a standing double axe hammer he brings Triple H to his knees. Morrison enters the ring and begins working on Shawn Michaels, but Michaels gains the upper-hand and sets up Morrison for an Irish whip. Morrison reverses the Irish whip, and Michaels is taken out of the match fairly easily by Chuck Palumbo.

Meanwhile, Triple H has regained the upper-hand on Snitsky, and sends him packing.

- Elimination #23. Shawn Michaels (by Chuck Palumbo)
- Elimination #24. Snitsky (by Triple H)

? Entrant #28. Mark Henry

Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, as Palumbo and Morrison band together to attack Triple H. Mark Henry comes in and targets Palumbo, who is quickly eliminated. Morrison continues to fight against Mark Henry, and Triple H recovers enough to help out, powering Henry over the top rope with a huge clothesline. With little effort, Triple H then sets up Morrison for a Pedigree, and nonchalantly dumps him out, too.

- Elimination #25. Chuck Palumbo (by Mark Henry)
- Elimination #26. Mark Henry (by Triple H)
- Elimination #27. John Morrison (by Triple H)

? Entrant #29. The Great Khali

Triple H is standing alone when the theme song of The Great Khali hits. Showing no fear, Triple H rushes to attack as soon as Khali gets into the ring, but is knocked down by Khali's huge fist. Khali takes time to raise his arms and yell in celebration, as Ranjin Singh claps for Khali outside the ring. Khali moves to pick up Triple H, but finds himself on the receiving end of a low blow. The King notes "Ooh, that may be the biggest low blow of all time!"

Triple H takes this opportunity to stun Khali by dropping Khali face-first into his knee. Khali recoils and staggers backwards, and Triple H finishes him off with a clothesline over the top rope. Triple H flexes his muscles and yells in celebration.

Then, the crowd starts to count in unison with the ticking timer.

10, 9, 8... Triple H takes a spot in the center of the ring.

7, 6, 5... With a grimace on his face, The King of Kings eagerly awaits his next victim.

4, 3, 2, 1 < BZZZZZZZZZ>

Elimination #28. The Great Khali (by Triple H)

? Entrant #30. John Cena

[THE BETTER MAN]

The familiar but almost foreign sound of "My Time Is Now" floods the arena, as John Cena enters the walkway, head down and face shielded. He looks up with a smirk on his face, while Triple H stands in the ring agape at the sight before him. The commentators are shocked. The fans in the arena are electric, most cheering but many booing as well.

Cena rushes the ring and Triple H meets him as they trade blows. Triple H takes a stiff shot to the temple and backs off a bit. Cena is perplexed but also amused. Triple H approaches Cena again, with his hand raised in the air. Cena notes the challenge, and the two engage in a test of strength. Cena begins to overpower the Game, but Triple H delivers a knee to the midsection, and Irish whips Cena against the ropes. On his return trip, Cena clotheslines Triple H, sending him to the mat. With a wave of his hand, Cena initiates the Five-Knuckle Shuffle and successfully strikes. Triple H staggers to his feet but is caught by Cena, who hoists Triple H onto his shoulders for an F-U.

Instead of following through, Cena tries to guide Triple H over the top rope but fails. Triple H fires back with a few successful shots of his own, and forces Cena to let him go. Again he tries Irish-whipping Cena, and successfully delivers a spinebuster, followed by a knee to the forehead. Triple H brings Cena to his feet, and pulls him towards the ropes. Triple H goes for a clothesline, but Cena ducks, grabs Triple H's arm and puts him up again into position for the F-U. In one quick motion, he sends Triple H out of the ring to the arena floor.

- Elimination #29. Triple H (by John Cena)

"The winner of the two-thousand-and-eight Royal Rumble... JOHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNN CEEEEEEEEENAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Cena celebrates and Triple H makes his way back to the locker room, as the commentators wish us a good night and thank us for watching.

ELIMINATIONS:

(6) Triple H
(5) Batista
(4) Shawn Michaels
(2) The Undertaker
(2) Shelton Benjamin
(2) Finlay
(2) Chuck Palumbo
(2) CM Punk
(1) Kane
(1) Mick Foley
(1) Hardcore Holly
(1) Mark Henry
(1) Umaga
(1) Cody Rhodes
(1) John Cena

(Note: These numbers add up to more than 29 due to some eliminations being credited to multiple superstars.)

~SUMMARY~

Well, that's it. As I've stated previously, I felt the actual 2008 Royal Rumble was a letdown because nothing really exciting happened from start to finish, except for a few all too convenient pairs of entrances which dramatically impacted their reception negatively.

One major complaint was that too many main eventers and monsters went into "on fire" mode and eliminated a bunch of talent. As I wrote this I decided that storytelling was more important than making sure everyone got in a "good number" of eliminations, but my results still skew slightly better than WWE's. Their version spread the eliminations out between 13 participants, while my version gives eliminations to 15 of them. Incidentally, the most eliminations for both matches turned out to be Triple H with 6. That's not something I set out to do; it just kind of happened.

Anyways, if you're still with me, I'd like to know which match you'd have rather watched, the 2008 Royal Rumble as presented by the WWE, or the 2008 Royal Rumble as rescripted by yours truly. And don't forget to say why!

2 comments Permalink

Posted on 1/28/08 1:10 AM

...retarded. That sums up, in one word beginning with the letter "R", my thoughts. Spoilers ahead if you haven't seen the Royal Rumble match yet.

Now, of course I understand that WWE is sports-entertainment; scripted entertainment. 99% of what we see each week would be impossible otherwise. But I don't think anyone would deny that the entertainment WWE provides is at its very best when, for all appearances you can't actually tell that a guiding hand has set all the events that we're witnessing into motion.

And that was the problem with the 2008 Royal Rumble match. From start to finish, it was (in my opinion) the most poorly-booked Royal Rumble of all time. At no time was I ever able to believe in it, and I'm pretty good at tuning out the little deficiencies here and there, if I do say so myself.

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Topic: Coincidental entrances.
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Starting from the top. Entrant #1, The Undertaker. I mean, that's a little weird, right? Last year's winner and #30 entrant gets #1 this year. It seems unlikely, but the odds (pretending we were dealing with an actual sport) are only 1 in 30. Could happen.

Entrant #2, Shawn Michaels. And now we have an extremely unlikely scenario on our hands. What are the odds that the two men who ended last year's Rumble would be the first two entrants this year? If I'm figuring my math correctly, it's 2 in 30, or 1 in 15 odds that one of the two would draw #1. That leaves one spot for the other guy, at 1 in 29 odds. To get the odds for both events occurring simultaneously, one gets multiplied against the other, resulting in odds of 1 in 435.

Possible? Certainly. Likely? Not at all, but given that this was only the 21st Royal Rumble, statistically speaking, something like this shouldn't happen again until sometime between the years 2422-2857 A.D., and only once during that timeframe (assuming certain constants, such as the Royal Rumble continues to be an annual event, the rules remain the same, etc.)

Moving further down the line, we saw two other back-to-back entrances of feuding superstars: Chuck Palumbo (#10) and Jamie Noble (#11), and Jimmy Snuka (#18) and Roddy Piper (#19) (more on these two later.) Again, these things can happen but it's pretty unlikely.

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New topic: Skinning the cat, and other close calls.
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When Shawn Michaels did it to win the Royal Rumble in 1995, it was practically unheard of, and an incredible physical achievement. In this year's Royal Rumble, it must have happened about 10 times or so, and there were probably 40 or 50 overall "almost" eliminations.

Even the moment of the night, Shelton Benjamin's entrance, was plagued by this. He came in and simultaneously DDT'ed two guys into the top turnbuckle, and not one but BOTH managed to avoid elimination.

I realize that over time, what's been done gets improved upon and therefore commonplace, but tonight's Rumble was boring because of it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New topic: He's on fire!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The WWE loves to give freebies to its top guys, and boy, did it ever show tonight. Just about the only time anybody went over the top rope was when an established main eventer or a BY GAWD monster came in with a full head of steam and pitched them out. Triple H took out four guys in this manner (one with Batista's help), and John Cena got three. The Undertaker had two early on. Going back over the already-compiled statistics for the event (thanks, Wikipedia) 22 of 27 valid eliminations came at the hands of main eventers or monsters. It simply hurts the legitimacy of the entire event. Are we really supposed to believe that anybody can win the Royal Rumble when the average entrant can't even come close to scoring a single elimination?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New topic: Hornswoggle.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know some people aren't fans of Hornswoggle or his antics, and I sympathize with that. It's not what everybody wants to see. And if I knew tonight was meant for Hornswoggle to look bad to appease these people, I could ignore what happened, but I know this isn't the case.

While I knew Hornswoggle could never go toe-to-toe with most competitors in the Rumble (or any, if the booking is solid), he spent almost the entire time hiding under the ring. He helped to eliminate The Miz (who without the interference would have managed to cling to the bottom rope and re-enter the match, duh) and then, even though he was clearly waiting for Finlay to show up, he got into the ring early? And then he subsequently left. These are actually all reasonable actions for Hornswoggle to have taken, but the WWE spent an entire month promoting Hornswoggle in the Royal Rumble, and this was the best they could do? Pathetic.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New topic: A legendary leap of logic.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know something? It was really great to see Rowdy Roddy Piper make a surprise re-appearance in the Rumble tonight, it really was. For those who don't know it, Roddy has been fighting a cancer diagnosis, which was fortunately caught early. I can't claim to know the full details, but it seems obvious that he's got to be in good shape to have made that appearance tonight.

But back to be being pissed off. When Piper entered the ring, directly following Snuka, there was a staredown of epic proportions. Not just between Snuka and Piper, but also from the other ten or fifteen superstars in the ring with them. For some reason, everybody stopped fighting to watch the epic encounter! Hey, no worries or anything guys, it's not like there's a TITLE SHOT on the line or anything. Seriously, nobody thought to try and take advantage of the situation until Kane did, and Kane wasted it to eliminate two past-their-prime guys who were no threat to anybody inside the ring? Why?

It was like in the movie UHF (apologies if you've never seen UHF) when George Newman ("Weird Al" Yankovic's character) approaches stodgy station manager R.J. Fletcher with a loud, friendly greeting "Hey, R.J.!" and everything STOPS. The entire office just stops, and that includes the ringing phones. But that was a comedy, and this is supposed to resemble a sport. Why couldn't Piper & Snuka have had their moment while everyone else traded inconsequential punches, like what happens during the rest of the Royal Rumble?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New topic: Chavo Guerrero, ECW Chump
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Champions aren't allowed to compete in the Royal Rumble. CHAMPIONS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO COMPETE IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE. I guess the WWE is devaluing the ECW championship on purpose. Otherwise, why weren't Edge and Randy Orton in there too?

What if Chavo had won? Could he have challenged himself and defeated himself to become a two-time ECW champion?

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New topic: Finlay
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finlay came in to save Hornswoggle, how wonderful! Then he gets disqualified for using the shillelagh? DISQUALIFIED? The Royal Rumble isn't supposed to have any rules, so why is the WWE changing things now? Couldn't they have at least timed things better so that Finlay would have made his official entrance, then played out the Hornswoggle travesty, and had Finlay, with Hornswoggle in his arms, step out over the top rope to eliminate himself and Hornswoggle legally? Would that have been so hard?

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New topic: WTFJohnCena?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, so John Cena's road to recovery is suddenly over? Not only does he make his grand return, but he draws #30? Or was given #30. The McMahons have been known to "rig" the drawing before, but typically that only happens when they want to reward somebody, or screw somebody. And last we saw, John Cena and Vince McMahon weren't quite seeing eye-to-eye. So, huh?

I mean, okay, congratulations to Cena for overcoming his injury enough to participate in tonight's match. But the WWE just threw away over a month's worth of build for the Royal Rumble for a surprise return that's completely illogical. Most superstars display a little "ring rust" when they return, but not Super John Cena, despite the fact that he nashed his arm just three months ago?an injury so dehabilitating that he had to forfeit the WWE Championship.

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Summary
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Maybe I'm just being picky, but RETARDED is the only way I can summarize the events that took place tonight. It's as if the writers found out John Cena was going to win, and said "Screw it, nothing matters, let's just sketch something out quick and go home early today."

I'm not trying to pick on Cena, or any of the entrants, believe it or not. Tonight I'm picking on the writers. The Rumble comes but once a year, and it's reliable in its appearance. It's never a surprise and there's plenty of time to book it reasonably from start to finish, but for some reason that didn't happen this year.

Hey, maybe it was Dave Lagana's fault.

7 comments Permalink

Posted on 9/16/07 6:05 PM

So, Unforgiven kicks off in two hours; might as well post my picks for the event.

John Cena (c) vs. Randy Orton
- for the WWE Heavyweight Championship -

Along with most of the world, I felt Randy Orton would be taking home the gold last month at Summerslam, but wasn't too sure about it. In the end it wasn't to be, but this time I'm thinking he's almost a lock. The key to it all is that Orton has given Cena other concerns besides the title match tonight... and Cena's mind will be elsewhere. Granted, this will fuel Cena's aggression and Orton is in for one hell of a beating... but if he keeps his cool and plays his cards right, I expect he'll catch Cena off guard and pick up the three. However, a lone RKO won't be enough tonight. Expect a "miraculous" kickout after the first one, followed by plenty of back-and-forth with false finishes, until it all culminates with multiple RKO's and maybe a well-placed boot to the head.

DXSSI's pick: Randy Orton

The Great Khali (c) vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Batista
- for the World Heavyweight Championship -

There's little doubt in my mind about this one, and I'm strongly leaning towards Khali to retain. Mysterio has no chance at all excepting a fluke victory, and Batista was only added to the match as an afterthought. He's also done nothing to deserve the title in the last six months, at least. (Neither has Khali, but Khali is a gigantic monster.) Furthermore, all signs point to The Undertaker reclaiming the strap as soon as his feud with Mark Henry concludes. The logical place to leave it, then, is in the hands of a heel.

DXSSI's pick: The Great Khali

CM Punk (c) vs. Elijah Burke
- for the ECW Heavyweight Championship -

Punk to retain. Why say more?

DXSSI's pick: CM Punk

The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry

Regardless of Henry's contractual status, I'm giving this one to The Undertaker. Almost nobody loses a heavily-hyped return match, and The Undertaker less so. I don't care if Mark Henry signed a new 25-year contract with a 7-figure deal, exclusive catering privileges aboard WWE's corporate jet and his own private island. He's not going over The Undertaker.

DXSSI's pick: The Undertaker

Triple H vs. Carlito
- No DQ for Carlito only -

Things look bad for Triple H, I'll admit. But Triple H is Triple H, and Carlito is Carlito. And WWE loves to put the face up against overwhelming odds and then have them soundly wrap things up. It's true that they love to do this with Cena more, but Triple H is hardly immune to it. And besides, did I mention he's facing Carlito? The only prayer Carlito has is if WWE's booking team has no idea what to do with Triple H once Carlito is out of the picture, and even then it's a long shot for him. And c'mon... Carlito.

DXSSI's pick: Triple H

Matt Hardy & MVP (c) vs. Deuce & Domino
- for the WWE Tag Team Championship -

This one I'm very confident about. Matt Hardy & MVP are just getting started as a tag team, and they'll retain here tonight. Their only difficulty will be working together, which will likely lead to a few close calls.

DXSSI's pick: Matt Hardy & MVP

Trevor Murdoch & Lance Cade (c) vs. Paul London & Brian Kendrick
- for the World Tag Team Championship -

I don't really know which way to call this one, as booking in the Raw tag team division hasn't made any sense for months now. Despite that, I see Londrick's recent victory in South Africa as a vote of confidence for the team, and if WWE were the true worldwide entity it claims to be, London & Kendrick probably would have never lost the belts back to the Redneck Wrecking Crew.

DXSSI's pick: Paul London & Brian Kendrick

Candice Michelle (c) vs. Beth Phoenix
- for the WWE Women's Championship -

Candice Michelle has retained the belt longer than anyone ever thought she would, but Beth Phoenix has been extremely dominant, and I'm betting she'll keep it up tonight. I can easily see a scenario where Candice trains harder to eventually overcome Beth Phoenix, but I can't see where Beth can go from here if she's defeated by Candice tonight. Of course, with WWE bookers at the helm, that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Nevertheless, my gut says Beth Phoenix.

DXSSI's pick: Beth Phoenix

Summary:

Randy Orton
The Great Khali
CM Punk
The Undertaker
Triple H
Matt Hardy & MVP
Paul London & Brian Kendrick
Beth Phoenix

0 comments Permalink